What to Say When Your Child Makes you Angry
Kids start up a range of emotions in us, good and bad and in between.
What do you say to your child when they anger you?
Chances are, you've said some things to your child when you were angry that you regretted. Chances are, there are times that you've stuffed down your feelings when your child angered you.
People naturally lean toward two categories when it comes to expressing anger.
Some lean toward aggressive communication. Aggressive communication is blunt, hurtful, and unnecessary. It looks to dominate, to demean, and to shut down. It's getting chewed out.
Others lean toward passive communication. Passive communication is indirect, insulting, and also unnecessary. It looks to undermine, to avoid, and to escape. It's needling someone.
But...just like Goldilocks and the three bears, there is a third...and ideal...option for expressing your anger as a parent:
Assertive communication.
Assertive communication is direct, instructive, and necessary. It looks to enlighten, to engage conflict head-on, and to resolve.
When you use assertive communication with a child, they see that there is actually a conflict to be resolved (versus a shouting match).
And they see it clearly - because you have done the heavy-lifting for them, in terms of pointing out the problem.
When you use assertive communication with a child, you prevent them from wondering what you are thinking, from making negative self-evaluations, and from avoiding fixing what needs to be fixed.
Here is a simple formula for assertive communication to use when speaking to your child:
When you do X,
[When you don't go brush your teeth the first time I tell you,]
It makes me feel Y,
[t makes me feel frustrated,]
And I think Z.
[And I think you don't care to listen to me.]
When you do X: Tell your child exactly what, when, and where the problem came up. Never use "always" language (e.g., "You always ignore me after dinner!"). Anyone see the irony in this last sentence? :)
Being specific about your language in this way does two things:
1) First of all, it sidesteps language that might prompt your child to engage in overly negative assessments of themselves. When you use always language, your child might think, "If I always engage in a behavior, it must be me, and not something about my choices or the situation."
2) Second, it prepares you for a discussion about how to fix a similar problem, next time.
It makes me feel Y: Y should be one word: worried, angry, sad, frustrated, irritated, etc. With this step in the formula, you are pulling back the curtain and simply showing your child the impact of their behavior on your feelings. They do not have to guess.
And I think Z: This is another "pulling back the curtain" moment - you are now showing your child how their behavior impacts your perception of them.
Now, your perception could very well be wrong.
You may think that your child doesn't respect you, when truthfully, they just need to work to get their behavior to line up with their feelings of affection for you.
This is often the case.
Because this is often the case, framing your frustration a way that shows them clearly your perception opens the door toward figuring out how they can work to get their behavior to match their feelings of affection toward you.
It is important to anticipate that a child will often disagree with the perception you share in this step of the formula. Remember not to engage in an argument about the difference of viewpoints - just have a discussion about how to improve behavior.
This formula is certainly not a fix-all, but it can provide helpful guideposts for parents in learning how to directly and appropriately express frustration to children.
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